5 Biggest Myths About Boundaries
Boundaries are everywhere, you might be familiar with the fences and walls that we use to mark property lines. Your Wi-Fi at home has a built-in password (a boundary) that allows access only to friends and family. The clothes you wear, are a boundary. Touching and consent are boundaries or more simply stated, our personal space.
Boundaries are a way of rediscovering yourself. What do you like? What don’t you like? What you can tolerate? What is intolerable? Setting boundaries helps you exercise your power of choice. The more you set boundaries, the easier it becomes. Setting boundaries is like strength training. The more your boundaries are exercised, the more the muscle continues to develop. A person with clear, healthy boundaries communicates to others what is and what is not permissible. They can do this in overt ways like saying “No”, or in more covert ways like quietly removing themselves from a conversation.
Three indicators you may need to set more boundaries
It’s not always easy to set boundaries, but there are some key indicators that could help you discover if you could benefit from firming yours up. Discomfort, resentment, or guilt can be key indicators that you may need to explore where, and what your boundaries are. When resentment and discomfort begin to brew in a relationship it often means your personal space has been violated. Guilt can be quite confusing, especially if you are in an abusive relationship (emotional or physical), it can make you feel like you are always in the wrong.
Myth 1: Boundaries are a one size fits all
There is a belief that all boundaries are the same in all relationships; but boundaries are not a uniform experience. Rather, both boundary violations and the boundaries we create can look quite different with different people.
Myth 2: It’s okay, because they didn’t know any better
Just because someone didn’t know they were violating your boundaries, doesn’t make it “okay”. Sometimes we absolve people of their guilt because they had no idea you didn’t like it. Respect is respect even if they didn’t know. Respecting your boundaries should not be a moving target.
Myth 3: Boundaries are selfish
It’s easier to be a supportive partner when you’re feeling energized and supported rather than when you’re feeling depleted, resentful, or over-committed. Saying yes can feel good in the moment; but when you’re not able to keep your commitment because you’re stretched too thin – you may find yourself falling into a trap of guilt.
Myth 4: Boundaries push people away
Boundaries are the foundation of every successful relationship. They help you distinguish yourself from others. You never lose sight of where you end and your partner begins. A firm sense of your personal identity is essential for not only your own well-being, but your partners as well.
Myth 5: Ignoring something you didn’t like is the same as setting a boundary
The derogatory comments that you have ignored for the sake of keeping the peace are unhealthy boundaries. The awkward moments that you’ve allowed to continue because you didn’t want to offend anyone are unhealthy boundaries. Losing yourself is not an acceptable price to pay for connection. Once you make your values negotiable, you are sacrificing yourself in order to please someone else. This is the basis of a toxic relationship.
Want to learn more about healthy boundaries? Check out our Mindful Conversations Workshop here.
