Why Affairs Happen: Understanding the Roots of Betrayal
Infidelity Counselling: Understanding the Roots of Betrayal
It’s one of the hardest questions to ask after an affair: “What went wrong?” For couples facing the aftermath of betrayal, this question often feels like stepping into a whirlwind of emotions—confusion, hurt, anger, and longing for answers.
Here’s the truth: affairs don’t happen out of nowhere. They often stem from a buildup of unmet needs, emotional distance, and moments of disconnection that may have gone unnoticed over time. Understanding why an affair happens isn’t about pointing fingers; it’s about uncovering the patterns and pain points that led to it.
How Does an Affair Start?
Most affairs begin subtly. It’s not always about grand gestures or obvious deceit. Instead, they start with moments that feel innocent at first—a conversation that feels easier than the ones at home, or a laugh shared with someone who seems to see you in a way your partner hasn’t lately.
But those small moments can grow. Over time, what might have started as a friendly exchange can become a secret connection. And while it’s easy to blame the act itself, the root cause often lies in the quiet disconnections within the relationship.
The Role of Emotional Bids in Relationships
Every relationship is made up of small, everyday moments. Think about how often you turn to your partner and ask something like:
“Want to watch something together tonight?”
“How was your day?”
“Do you think we should plan a trip soon?”
These are more than casual questions—they’re emotional bids. They’re ways of saying, I want to connect with you.
When these bids are met with love and attention, it strengthens the bond between partners. But when they’re met with silence, distraction, or even irritation, it can feel like rejection. For example:
“Want to watch something together?” might be met with “I’m busy, can’t you see that?”
“How was your day?” could get a shrug or a distracted “Fine.”
Over time, these small moments of disconnection pile up. The partner making the bids may begin to feel unseen, unheard, and unwanted. And that’s when emotional distance starts to grow.
Why Do People Compare?
When you feel disconnected from your partner, it’s natural to start noticing what other people have—or seem to have. Maybe you think about how a friend’s spouse is always posting thoughtful notes online, or how a coworker is quick to listen without judgment.
This isn’t about being shallow or unfair—it’s about longing for something you’re not feeling in your relationship. When these comparisons start happening, they can lead to a dangerous shift: investing less in your relationship and looking outside for validation or comfort.
What Can Couples Do to Prevent Affairs?
Affairs are a symptom, not the root problem. They often signal that something in the relationship isn’t working, but that doesn’t mean it can’t be fixed. Here are a few ways to reconnect and protect your relationship:
Notice the Bids: Start paying attention to the little moments when your partner is trying to connect. Respond with care, turn toward them, not away.
Talk About the Hard Stuff: If something feels off, say it. Open communication about needs and feelings can prevent small issues from turning into major ones.
Rebuild Trust Daily: Trust isn’t just about avoiding betrayal. It’s built in the everyday acts of showing up, listening, and being there for one another.
Make Your Partner a Priority: Life gets busy, but making time for each other—even in small ways—shows your partner they matter.
Get Professional Support: Sometimes, it’s hard to fix things on your own. Couples counselling in Edmonton can help you uncover the deeper issues and learn how to move forward together.
Final Thoughts
Affairs hurt, but they don’t have to mean the end of a relationship. By understanding the “why” behind the betrayal, couples can start to heal and rebuild. It’s not about assigning blame—it’s about learning, growing, and finding ways to reconnect.
If you and your partner are struggling, know that you’re not alone. At Life Collective Counselling, we help couples navigate difficult times with compassion and expertise. Whether you’re dealing with infidelity, communication challenges, or just feeling distant, we’re here to help.
Ready to start rebuilding? Let’s take the first step together. Contact us today for infidelity counselling and expert guidance using the Gottman Method, tailored to your needs. Our experienced therapists in Edmonton are here to support your journey toward healing and reconnection.
