The No. 1 Cause of Relationship Failure
Ever so often you’ll read or hear someone say, the number one cause of relationship failure is financial conflict. And depending on which article you read online, it can be infidelity. Commitment and loyalty are also tagged as a prerequisites, anything less is cause for partners to drift apart, resulting in a break up. While there are many signs of relationship failure, the root of all relationship fallouts is unmet expectations.
It is true that communication causes misunderstandings, poor financial management paves the way for anxiety, and lack of intimacy can cause relationship strain; these are just symptoms and signs of relationship failure.
At the core of all these disappointments, and many others, are unmet expectations. When we have bad-expectations we develop alternative and distorted views of our partner and the relationship.
Whenever expectations are not negotiated properly, relationships become a hard thing.
Each person determines in their mind what they deserve in any relationship. We all have an ideal relationship, and we make up checklists of all the things we desire to see and experience. Sometimes we might shortchange ourselves into thinking we deserve less than we should, but that’s another story for another blog. No one really settles for anything; we all have this checklist of qualities and capabilities. And we consult this checklist often.
When we get into any relationship and find these “expectations” absent, we proceed to lay blame, argue, and guilt trip with the intention of evoking change. If all this does not work, the relationship suffocates.
Dysfunctional love makes you think that partners must fulfill the ideal role that you have subconsciously created. Couples expect their partners to deliver in several areas (sex, financial involvement, parenting style, goals and ambitions) of their lives in order to feel like their relationships are fulfilling.
Expectations become the measure of relationship success. If a person under-delivers, the relationship fails.
When you don’t manage your expectations, life will be a chaotic sequence of disappointments leading to anxiety and despair. Things will fall apart.
Having expectations that are centred on others fulfilling your happiness is like pouring water into a bucket with holes. People shift positions a lot even those that you’ve grown to trust, whom you think won't disappoint you. No one was put on earth to make another person happy. It is not anyone's responsibility to make you happy. Couples soon come to realize that desiring their partner to always make them happy is a recipe for disaster. And that does not always mean that they don’t love you; it merely indicates that they are human.
Managing your expectations is the key to relationship success.
1. Take an inventory of the expectations you have for your partner. Be open enough to discuss them with your partner. Admit if your expectations are from a past relationship or family trauma. Together you can create new meaning.
2. Be aware of the things that affect your emotional health and relationship power struggles. Self-awareness is a relational success key, a trait that is learned and not taught. Having a clear sense of self-awareness allows you to overcome the dependency on others to make you happy.
The battle towards your happiness is half won when you begin to manage your expectations.