Mismatched Sexual Desires
Imagine Lucy and Andrew’s relationship. They love each other and have been together for some time now, but things have started to change in the bedroom. Lucy’s sexual drive decreased over time. Andrew wants sex more often; Lucy is fine with sex once every week, she could even go two weeks or a month.
While it seems easy to solve Lucy and Andrew's problem by saying they need to make time and be intentional about their sex life if they love each other. Maybe, they’ll try that but find themselves back again at the sex-stalemate. And there we have it, another sexless marriage or a sexless relationship with low sexual desire from one partner.
WHAT IS LOW SEXUAL DESIRE?
Sexual desire or libido/appetite, is the thought and/or feeling of urgency that motivates someone to seek out sexual satisfaction that may encompass both physical and emotional needs. It’s a common problem that causes conflict in relationships. Though, it is never always a male that desires more sex, females too can have a higher sex drive than their partner.
WHY DO COUPLES HAVE MISMATCHED SEXUAL DESIRES/NO SEXUAL DRIVE?
Low sex drive is not always an issue of reduced passion for your partner or falling out of love. Often there are many factors that contribute to this low desire which include;
Mental health problems, such as anxiety, depression, diabetes and the medications taken for it.
Stress and being overwhelmed—financial or work stress & having a new baby.
Poor body image and low self-esteem.
History of physical or sexual abuse and previous negative sexual experiences (painful sex).
Alcohol and drugs use
Age
The level of desire can be dependent on any number of factors, from physiological changes in hormone levels to stage of life, from all sorts of life stresses to putting one’s energy into endeavours outside the relationship.
How often a people experience un-matched sexual desires typically fluctuates. Many couples go through this, you are not alone, it does not always mean the relationship has run its course and needs to end. You don’t have to look else where to satisfy your intimacy needs. One of the major issues that causes further drift and lack of desire is the shame and guilt that partner’s experience. Will my partner leave me? Wondering what’s wrong with me? Nothing is wrong with you, you are just going through the stuff of life.
Presumably, almost every couple has unequal levels of sexual desire because people go through changes—physical factors, emotional factors, and psychological. “Mismatched desire” can be truly a couples issue, rather than one partner taking on the role of the “one with a problem.” It affects everyone.
All hope is not lost, Sex Therapy can help ...
First, a trained Sex Therapist will help you determine the effect of perceived discrepant sexual desire vs. actual discrepant sexual desire on sexual satisfaction. This involves an counselling and an assessment if the issue is psychological, medical, or emotional. You may be referred to medical expert (doctor, pelvic floor specialist, urologist, etc) for further consultation.
Second, intensive relational counselling—partners are overall satisfied with their sex life if their satisfied with their relationship. They are less likely to focus on and complain about an area of dissatisfaction. It is easier to work through some of the sexual challenges and create meaningful and satisfactory intimacy. Couples counselling can help resolve many of the issues that cause mismatched sexual desires.
Third, keeping the desire alive—through intensive therapy, and exercises given to the individual or couple to do at home couples can rekindle their intimacy.
No one size fits all. You are not broken because you’ve lost desire for your partner. It’s not that your partner doesn’t love you, they are just going through some stuff. Call and book an appoint so we can start exploring ways to revive relationship and bring back the passion you had for each other.