Why Do Affairs Happen?

What Causes Cheating?

One of the questions that plague partners recovering from an affair is “What went wrong?”

WHAT CAUSES AN AFFAIR?

Affairs are a cascade of steps that culminate in a transgression. It all starts with the bid for attention.

If it sounds like a simplified excuse for an affair, it is not. When one can’t count on their partner to be available in their time of need, it leads to unfavourable comparisons, emotional distance, and eventual betrayal, if not the demise of love.

Partners can make an emotional bid that is met with turning away or against instead of turning toward. Turning away would include ignoring or being preoccupied with something else while turning against would be a retort or a lash back.

When “Would you like to plan for the weekend?” is met with silence or “Can’t you see that I am busy?” the bidding partner feels rejected and hurt. 

Over time repeated failed bids lead to reiterating the belief that “you are not there for me,” and trust associated with the partner starts to erode gradually. An anticipatory rejection starts to flood (stress) the bidding partner, making them feel vulnerable, insignificant, or unwanted.

INVESTING LESS AND COMPARING MORE

When partners favourably evaluate the relationship compared to other alternatives, they are more likely to stay committed to the relationship, as Thibaut and Kelley suggest. Therefore, the unfavourable comparisons propel a relationship towards a lack of commitment and betrayal. 

The bidding partner starts negatively comparing the partner with a real or imaginary partner who would make them feel cherished. As approaching the partner with an emotional bid is found futile, bidding and investing in the partner reduces, while substituting begins.