Recovering from a Breakup

Jun. 26

“I need closure” … Words spoken through a hopeless voice of defeat while holding back tears. We’ve all sought to have closure at some point in our lives. Though circumstances might not be the same for everyone, but the sentiments are the same.

Relationships end and sometimes we can’t seem to come to grips with why they ended. The unknown issue that caused the breakup makes it difficult to move on.

You’ve invested years in your relationship, it’s only curtesy for them to tell you why. Closure can be hard especially if there was betrayal. They were suppose be your ride or die. Let’s face it, no one wants to let go of anything that they’ve developed an attachment.

What Is Closure?

Gestalt psychology pioneered the idea of closure. Gestalt a German word which means "pattern" or “configuration”. The research focused on understanding how the mind perceives and processes images. The research discovered that the mind will always thrive to have closure.

Imagine an incomplete circle drawn on a piece of paper. The mind does not stop at the edges of the broken circle. Instead it completes the circle. The mind will always perceive it as a full circle, though it is incomplete.

This theory became popularized as a true statement for life experiences as well. If you had an experience that resulted in a trauma, you will not be unable to move on until the issue was "closed" or resolved in some way.

This same thought process gave birth to the idea that closure is a solution for emotional pain. And for any relationships that have ended without mutual agreement. We see it a lot on news media, and in real life where the jilted lover seeks to confront their lover, demanding to know why? All in an attempt to get closure so that they can move on.

Closure is an attempt to clear up ambiguity that has left a void in your relationship.

The Myth About Closure

Imagine you are watching an exciting, gripping, and heart stopping TV show that has you on the edge of your seat. And suddenly the closing credits begin to roll. The show ends midway with no hint of part 2 or "to be continued". How would you feel? Annoyed? Upset? Angry? Taken for granted?

That's how people with a relationship that ended abruptly feel.There is a misguided idea that closure only comes when you face the offending party. In any relationship it is a fallacy to think that you need to go back to and talk to your ex to get closure.

When you seek closure from the person who broke your heart, you give them power over your emotional state. They now have the controls to your emotional themostat. Since the fate of the relationship is in the palm of their hands, you are now obliged to yield to their “superiority”. This also gives away the strength to be able to heal, move on, and build another healthy relationship.

You remain in a state of hopelessness waiting to be set free by someone who has moved on. The Relationship Closure Myth makes you think that facing your “betrayer” will help you move on, But doing so will only make you give away the ability to have emotional resolve to move on.

Humans make sense of the world around them through stories. The past has to connect with the present, so that the future can make sense. Life is a process of becoming what God intended you to be. When someone wants closure they are trying to make sense of their story that got interrupted. To have healthy closure you need to process your emotions.

Let’s walk through this …

Express Your Emotions.

Checkin with someone who cares. Speak about your journey and how your plans got derailed. Allow for feedback and reflection. Remember they were just a part of your story, not the whole story.

Create New Pathways.

Every relationship is a story that is unfolding in time and space. The more to this time and space, than you and that person. Look for other meaningful experiences, but don't use them as a way of getting over your past.

Explore New Connections.

Make room for the next connection to take place, otherwise you will be stuck in the past. Don’t give away the power to someone to edit your story, and affect the next connection. Write your own story, because the story belongs you to you, not them.

Closure is not only about moving on. It is about redeeming the haunting parts of your past. The parts that have left you crippled, and unable to further build healthy relations.

You don’t have to live your life haunted by past experiences.