Childhood Trauma & Relationships
Childhood Trauma Explained
We don’t always know why we react the way we do in relationships, but we often fall into difficult communication habits because of childhood trauma.
l know we often don’t think of ourselves as traumatized, but childhood trauma can come in many shapes and sizes.
Childhood trauma can be any distressing or traumatic experience that a child goes through during their early years of life. This could include physical, sexual, or emotional abuse, neglect, abandonment, or other events that create a sense of fear, helplessness, or danger in the child's mind, emotionally absent parent, exposure to violence or addiction … the list could go on.
Sometimes the effects of childhood trauma can linger long into adulthood, impacting how we relate to others, form attachments, and manage conflict in our relationships. It can make the relationship feel stuck.
Here are four ways childhood trauma can affect how couples manage conflict in their relationship:
Difficulty with trust and intimacy:
Childhood trauma can damage a person's ability to trust others and form healthy attachments. This can lead to a fear of intimacy and a reluctance to open up to a partner. In a conflict situation, this can manifest as a lack of willingness to share feelings or a tendency to shut down emotionally. This can even show up as a lack of commitment in the relationship. Individuals who experienced trauma in their childhood may have developed a sense of mistrust in their adult relationships, leading them to doubt their partner's intentions and motives. This can cause conflicts to escalate quickly, as one partner may feel defensive or attacked.
Reactivity and emotional dysregulation:
Trauma can leave a person with heightened emotional responses and difficulty regulating emotions. This can make it challenging to manage conflict constructively, as the individual may become easily triggered and react impulsively or aggressively.
When things get hard, avoidance becomes a way to deal with the pressure. Individuals who experienced trauma in their childhood may have learned to avoid conflicts as a coping mechanism, leading them to avoid addressing conflicts in their adult relationships. This can create a communication breakdown, leading to resentment, frustration, and unresolved issues.
Difficulty with boundaries:
Childhood trauma can also impact a person's ability to set and maintain healthy boundaries. This can result in a lack of assertiveness and difficulty expressing needs and preferences. In a conflict situation, this can lead to a tendency to accommodate the partner's needs at their own expense or a failure to communicate boundaries effectively.
Negative self-image and low self-esteem:
Trauma can damage a person's sense of self-worth and lead to negative self-talk and a critical inner voice. This can impact how the person perceives themselves in the relationship and their ability to advocate for their needs. In a conflict situation, this can lead to a tendency to blame themselves or take on responsibility for the conflict, even when it's not warranted.
It's essential to recognize that childhood trauma can impact managing conflict in our relationships. Suppose you or your partner have experienced trauma. In that case, it's crucial to seek support and work with a therapist who can help you understand and navigate the impact of trauma on your relationship. With support, it's possible to overcome these challenges and build a healthy, fulfilling partnership.
